Laying It Down!

In the adoption world when you switch from "healthy" to "special need" you are given a list of what you think you can handle.  It is a very LONG list and after much research we checked 2 things.  Club foot and anemia.  Haha!  Well, club foot can be involved-don't get me wrong, but in our minds we just KNEW we would adopt a child with club foot.  She would have received some casting and be good to go.  Well, when our agency asked us to go on a mission trip to an orphanage in Gansu, China, one that housed all medically needy children, I was excited but also nervous.  We were told that due to a unique opportunity, our agency would be able to match families with children from this orphanage, if they didn't already have a family.  I thought "oh my Praise the Lord!"  I have always wanted to go serve and hold sweet babies in an orphanage.  The nervousness I felt was what? you might ask, well the likelihood of this orphanage of 60 children having a little girl with clubfoot age 0-2 was slim to none.  We had been waiting for a "match" with these specifications for a year-but we had added minor heart conditions just a few months before -so maybe??  Because of Shane's new job, he would not be able to go.  I told him "you know, if I fall in love with a child with a need not on our list, you may just have to shake your head 'yes' and say 'ok, honey."  I was somewhat joking but this is EXACTLY what happened!

After 5 days in this orphanage and my 10 year-old son along side me, we fell head over heals in love with our sweet Qing PeiYao!  The first time I saw her I felt her big brown eyes look deep into my soul and they melted my heart!!  It was Monday, and one of the nannies was holding her.  Another mom on the trip asked "what is her need?" the director then said "spina bifida".  WOW I thought, oh well, she is AMAZING but we can't "do" spina bifida!  Having some medical background I knew quite a bit of the challenges that can come with spina bifida.  The next day, I went to see if I could find these brown eyes that melted my heart so quickly, and she wasn't anywhere to be found.  Later on that day I asked about her.  Come to find out she was being cared for by someone living on the grounds but not in the orphanage building.  They brought her in and I quickly realized she could barely move her right leg-and she was 9 months old.  She sat beautifully and seemed very smart and bonded to her nanny.  This thrilled me, but there were soooo many unknowns.  Ethan and I enjoyed all the children, but also spent time with YaoYao.  As I held her I asked the Lord to show me if she was to be our child.  Five days passed and it was time to say good-bye.  I sobbed and sobbed looking at this sweet face not knowing if I would ever see her again.  I had been talking with Shane during the week but once again, he had few words but said he would begin to pray about whether she was our child.  

We arrived home from our China trip at the end of June, 2010.  Our family coordinator said we would be the first to review her file and discuss her condition with doctors in order to make an informed decision about adopting her.  From June 25-September 3rd, my love for this sweet girl grew as if she were mine.  But what also came like a storm in my soul was "what are you willing to give up for this sweet girl?"  I knew the Lord was taking me to a place I had never been-not to this degree--COMPLETE SURRENDER!!!!  He said things like "can you lay it all down?"  I felt alone, even though my husband loves me dearly.  There was only one person I felt "got" what I was going through.  And praise the Lord for her open and candid discussions and weeping together-something I needed desperately.  

Can I lay down that she may never walk, that she may have neurological issues such as hydrocephalus, that she may have this and this and this.  Even to the extent of Him showing me that our vacations may look different because of a wheelchair.  As selfish as it sounds, I enjoyed our last trip to Kauai where our children were able to hike 45 minutes to a waterfall.  That would be hard with a wheelchair.  That's just one example of the thoughts I had.  But then the resolve came if the only waterfall I see with her is in heaven, I am more than fine with that.  If we have to remodel our house later for a wheelchair, that's ok.  If she has to be wheeled down the isle one day in a beautiful wedding gown, that's ok.  If she is never married because of her medical needs it's ok.  If my 3 biological children have to learn hard lessons through suffering, that's ok.  If she lives with Shane and I until we are old and grey, it's ok.  I love her and want HER to be my daughter.  Not any other sweet Chinese girl but HER.  I felt the Lord also showing me that our family would not be who He desired it to be without sweet YaoYao.  WOW, how can you say no to that?  I have never walked so 100% fully dying to self and seeking His will than those months.  I knew people, well meaning people, would think we were off our rocker!  But, that's ok, because I am the one who will give account one day to the King of Kings for choosing to live in obedience, or lack there of!  NOW, to see what Shane was hearing from the Lord.

It was September 3rd, and as I often did, I asked him "has He shown you she is our daughter?"  Most times he would say very little but "I'm still praying."  At that point I would try-notice I say try-not to push him.  I knew that I needed him to be on board because of what the Lord showed him, not me.  Don't get me wrong, I knew he loved this little girl, but it was different because he hadn't seen and held her.  He is the provider of the home and ways all things heavily.  BUT as we drove to Oklahoma that day I pleaded with him to tell me what the Lord was showing him.  You see, we normally make life changing decisions in the Starbucks at Barnes and Nobles.  That is where we end our date nights and do our "heavy" talking.  I asked him to pretend we were in Starbucks, to inhale the smell of coffee (although he doesn't even like coffee), that our SUV was now the Starbucks at Barnes and Nobles.  He looked at me (with children watching a movie behind us) and said "yes, she is OUR daughter"!  Tears of joy from both of us, just flowed!  I knew then that he loved YaoYao just as much as I did and would move mountains to bring her home!  Well, Happy 1st birthday to our sweet YaoYao, on your birthday, September 3rd, 2010, your mommy and daddy on the other side of the world said "yes" to His call and His plan.